In every marriage or long-term relationship, couples will occasionally face unexpected changes of plans and tough choices that sometimes must be made quickly.  How we deal with these circumstances can affect not only our own lives, but the attitudes and feelings of those around us.  These events can also create “make or break” times for a particular relationship.  The good news is that understanding our own in-born temperament, as well as those of our spouses and children, can help us predict, get through, and analyze these situations. 

NOTE: If you are not familiar with the four basic personality/temperament types, I recommend that you quickly review one of my previous articles, which can be found at: http://www.newbeginningsmarriage.org/Articles.html.  Taking the time to do so will help the rest of this article make much more sense to you!

Predicting Reactions

Each temperament will deal with an unexpected situation in its own way:

·         Popular Sanguine—“Oh well, life happens; let’s just make a game of it and have fun anyway!”

·         Perfect Melancholy—“This is totally throwing me off my schedule, which I need to keep my life perfectly in order.  I’m going to worry and project and dwell on all the negative possibilities until this is all over.”

·         Powerful Choleric—“You’re not going to stop me from getting this task done.  I’m going to take charge, fix the problem, then move on to the next project!”

·         Peaceful Phlegmatic—“Oh, mercy; this is going to take some effort. Do I really have to deal with this? I think I’ll take a nap, and maybe someone else will solve the problem by the time I wake up.”

Interests vs. Temperament

A big mistake many couples make is in believing that choosing a mate based on similar interests, likes, activities, etc. will automatically create a harmonious relationship. Enjoying similar activities is helpful, especially after the initial “glow” wears off and the friendship/companionship phase of the relationship begins.  No matter how many interests we may share, though, our inborn temperaments play a major role in guiding our behavior and shaping our attitudes.  Knowing this “secret” can help us to understand our spouses, and although it won’t help us change them, it can help us to get along with them better. 

Take a moment and review the typical reactions, listed above by personality type.  Now get out a piece of paper and take some quick notes.  Which reaction do you most identify with?  Which reaction most closely resembles that of your spouse? If you are having trouble deciding, try to think of two or three situations in which a crisis or unplanned event has happened.  Do you see a pattern in your reactions?  In those of your spouse?

Many of us might see those reactions and say, “Yes, that’s what I love about him/her.  He/she always seems to have fun no matter what.”  Or we might feel the opposite and say, “Yes, that’s what I hate about him/her.  He/she always seems to have fun no matter what, and doesn’t ever take anything seriously.”

Remember, you are not learning this information to change your spouse, because CHANGING HIS OR HER IN-BORN TEMPERAMENT IS NOT POSSIBLE.  Instead, you can learn to understand your spouse’s God-given personality type so that you can love and accept that person for who he or she is.  This one piece of knowledge can go a long way in helping to improve your relationship.

Working Through the Situation

As I have mentioned, one of the times that this difference in personalities rears its ugly head is in times of stress, trauma, or crisis. For example, our family enjoys spending time at our mountain cabin in New Mexico.  A couple of weeks ago, my wife, Kristen, flew home to Houston to return to work, then a few days later I began the drive back with a car full of luggage and dirty laundry, our 13-year-old daughter, Lauren, and our cat, Trouble.  After gassing up the car and running some errands, we made one last stop at McDonald's so Dad could get a cup of coffee and Lauren could get a snack.  Unfortunately, just after placing our order, the car stalled in the drive-through lane and refused to restart. Thankfully, we are members of AAA, so a tow truck shortly appeared and towed the car to a local repair shop. It was almost closing time, though, so we had to wait until the next day for the diagnosis.

The next morning I was awakened by our oldest child Stephanie, who was calling to wish me a happy birthday. The next call was from the service manager at the repair shop, who informed me that my engine was destroyed and that the cost of replacement, even with a used engine, would be several thousand dollars.  

“Happy birthday to me,” I thought, then before I could dwell on the potentially negative situation, my Powerful Choleric mind went to work.  Lauren, who shares my Powerful Choleric/Popular Sanguine temperament, immediately logged onto the internet and began researching new vehicles.  After cleaning up the breakfast dishes, I joined her; we made a game of it and looked up cars online until 2 am.  With two computers going at the same time, we were able to narrow down our choice of vehicles (mini-van or mid-sized SUV) and search the inventories of every major car dealer in Albuquerque.  I was also able to call my credit union in Texas and get pre-approved for an auto loan. 

At 7:30 the next morning, a friend dropped us off at a car rental agency, and we spent the day scouring the new and used car lots to find the best deal.  By 8:30 that night we had returned the rental car and rolled into the driveway with our new vehicle.  That’s the way a Powerful Choleric handles things: a problem is presented, and the Choleric takes charge and gets it done.  Thankfully, though, I had veto power over Lauren’s choice of how to get it done, which would have cost us several thousand dollars extra for a sunroof and a few extra gadgets!

In the meantime, Kristen, whose main temperament is Perfect Melancholy, had spent the previous two days going through our bills, checking the budget and our short and long-term plans, and worrying about how we were going to manage the unexpected car payments (our previous vehicle was paid off). 

Thankfully, since we understand each other’s major personality traits, we both let the other do what came naturally, and we avoided any major disagreements.  Kristen was thankful that Lauren and I had solved the problem so quickly, and I was thankful for Kristen’s Perfect Melancholy temperament, which causes her to keep careful track of our bills and pay them on a strict schedule.  This personality trait used to annoy me when we were first married, because she would diligently sit down and pay the bills on the 1^st and 15^th of every month.  My Choleric need to do something combined with my Sanguine need to have fun gave me a very different perspective about bill-paying night.  My Choleric side had a “to-do list” several items long, and sitting down for two hours to sort and pay bills was definitely not my Sanguine idea of having fun.  However, Kristen’s consistent attention to what I considered an unpleasant detail of life has helped to improve my credit rating since the last time I purchased a vehicle, so I was able to get a very low rate on the loan.  This also helped Kristen, because the low loan rate reduced our total cost on the vehicle, which helped keep the payment within budget, and helps her feel like we are sticking to a strict schedule that she is able to control.

Being Grateful for Our Spouse’s Temperament

When facing a crisis or unexpected situation, it is important to understand and appreciate the different in-born temperament that guides our spouse’s actions and reactions.  Think of an example where you and your spouse dealt with an unplanned or unexpected situation differently.  Did this cause a disagreement?  Were you angry that your spouse did not react in the exact same way as you?  Or were you grateful that God gave you a mate who is able to make up for your personality’s weaknesses and/or build upon your strengths?  Keep this in mind the next time a similar situation comes up.  Even though our spouse’s reaction may be different than our own, we can thank God that it is just what is needed in the given moment.

Previous Articles are Listed Here:

• Building an "A+" Marriage by Understanding Your Spouse's In-Born Temperament
• Overcoming Personality Weaknesses
• Building Upon Your Personality Strengths
• A Deep Review of Your Spiritual Personality by Marita Littauer

• Your Personality Tree

• A "Deep Review" of Wired That Way, by Marita Littauer

• An In-depth Look at Florence Littauer’s Personality Plus
• Live Recording of Dr. Lawrence J. Clark's "Brown Bag Seminar" entitled: “Introduction to Personality Theory: How Your Personality Type Affects Your Career Choices, Study/Research Habits, and Personal Relationships”
• Personality Types and Career Choices
• In Search of Harmony
• Introduction to the Personality Corner